Feelings are hard to communicate but yeah, someone has to do it. Today marks 6th time I’m trying to reach a goal, but, just like the other 5 times, I’ve come home without the result I was expecting. It’s a disarming feel, It’s something that, after so many times, seems almost unfeasible, but it is. What’s wrong with me?
University shouldn’t let you feel that way, it should carry you to new limits, it should teach you new and awesome things, and it works, for a lot of people.
It’s a strange feeling, it’s not something easy to explain but let me try by telling you how I feel today.
This morning when I woke up I was feeling good, I was feeling good about myself and how I spent the time studying till the last evening. Nothing was able to stop me. My wakeup song of choice was “Eye of the Tiger”, I was ready. Nothing on earth could ever stop me.
It’s a great feeling to be prepared, I was (or at least I was sure about that).
I’ve spent the morning revising every single nuance of the various rules.
I felt powerful, I felt ready.
The storm was coming, tho.
Two hours before the exam I started to feel somewhat worse. I felt my lips tingling and minutes later I was down in my bed.
“Sh*t”, I thought, that’s a panic attack. My lucidity was yet to be compromised but it was starting to get loose.
Toughts started popping in my mind and soon after I started to hyperventilate. I just needed a call and minutes after, I was with my girlfriend on the phone.
She always understands how I feel and she helped me to recover.
The exam started to feel unfeasible at this point.
My body refused food, the pasta I got for launch was then put inside the fridge. I was not feeling ready.
I needed a way to escape reality, I needed a way to relax fast. Ludovico Einaudi helped me in this case (thanks Gabriele).
It was already time to go, tho… Left my house with my headphones still on, trying to focus on what’s important, got to the university and started my exam.
My mind was kinda decluttered and for about 20 minutes my exam went kinda well, 20 minutes in, tho, I had another panic attack.
I started to hate on myself, started to breathe fast. My thoughts, whisper turning into screams. It was as sh*t-show.
Got out of that exam with tears in my eyes, another chance ruined by me and another panic attack, harder than the first one.
I’ve to change my mindset. I’ve to be better for myself.
Thank-you for reading this vent-post. I appreciate that. ❤